what What am Am i I talking Talking about About?

I didn't get music. I understood what music was and I got the whole musical instruments and singing thing and music certainly made me feel like getting my groove on, but I didn't connect to it on an emotional level. I didn't become invested in a specific sound or band.

In 6th grade I did find one band that I enjoyed over any other. Electric Light Orchestra... ELO. Now other boys were into The Rolling Stones, The Who, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, The Eagles, The Doors or locally, Boston, Aerosmith, J. Geils and The Cars. But the closest experience to connecting to music for me was this weird synth-pop, symphonic, chamber musician band that performed songs that sounded like scenes from a movie. They were thought of as "the English guys with big fiddles."

 ELO was no small time, fluff piece, nuthin' of a band. They were as serious as any of those other bands I mentioned, but nobody else that I knew at the time were into them. I was alone in my admiration of their sound. Letting anyone else in middle school know that I was into them could have gotten me laughed out of school. We would had to have moved to another town. I exaggerate of course, but more or less that was how it was. Once again I just didn't get it. I picked the wrong band. I was alone with my Evil Woman, Strange Magic, Telephone Line and I Can't Get It Out Of My Head.

I survived into high school, where I just pretended to like what everyone else liked because I didn't have a better plan. I finished up my senior year in May of 1983 and that same month a new song hit the air waves. "In a Big Country" by Big Country. The very first time I heard it I froze... wait what is this? The hair on my skin stood up. My heart beat changed. I was on drugs. I mean I wasn't but certainly this experience I was having could only come from being on drugs, right? It couldn't be a song that's making me feel this way. I didn't know half the lyrics and still don't today but I would sing at the top of my lungs as I drove my 1973 Chevy Vega down the highway:

So take that look out of here it doesn't fit you
Because it's happened doesn't mean you've been discarded
Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered

My truest connection to music was born. From there I found my way to Duran Duran, Depeche Mode, The Smiths and many lesser known bands that filled that former emptiness in me that I didn't even know existed until I heard these bands, but it was the summer of 1986 when I first took notice of a song that was very catchy and seemed to align with the way I viewed the world.

"Heartland" by a band with the strangest name of "the The." More of a concept than an actual band "the The" a.k.a. Matt Johnson wrote songs with a socio-political message and love songs that could never be confused with the kind of "Silly Love Songs" Paul McCartney sang about.

Once again I found myself in a small and exclusive group of people who actually knew about "the The" or even got their music. You could dance to it, but it also spoke to you about serious issues if you were willing to listen. Heartland came off the 1986 album Infected, which also included an amazingly introspective love song gone wrong called "Out of the blue (and into the fire)". You can't find the official video on Youtube, but you can certainly hear the song and the lyrics speak volumes about the state of mind of the character in the song who's taking ownership of his dark passenger in the first part of the song, then describes his night of twisted love with a stranger in a strange place as a means of satisfying a need within himself, as a baptism of sorts or perhaps an exorcism.  I feel like I know that guy, like I've always known that guy. I often refer to him as Bob Kluge.  Infected was an amazing album and it made me a true "the The" fan. Listen to some of these reviews that I've stolen from the pages of Wikipedia (thank you Wikipedia):

Sounds claimed that "there's self-controlled passion and strength seeping out all over this thing" while Q described the album as "grim stuff, with the lyrical tension well-matched by the music. Imagine a bizarre collision between Soft Cell and Tom Waits and you might get some idea of the disparate elements sloshing around in each of these songs." Record Mirror opined that "coming to any judgment about this new record is quite daunting. What becomes clear, however, is that we are dealing with something special.

From that point I had to back track to the prior album(s) "Blue Burning Soul" & "Soul Mining". Blue Burning Soul was actually a Matt Johnson Album from before he became "the The" and I'm choosing to leave it there because it's so very different than where he went starting with "Soul Mining" where I recognized the song "Uncertain Smile" from the air play it had received in the previous few years, but it was the song "Giant" That I fell in love with on that album. Approximately nine and half minutes long at about four and a half minutes in the lyrics end and a lead in to a drum solo begins. The drum solo lasts about a minute before the other instruments join back in and the song plays out from there with a repetitive beat and the band members  or back up singers almost chanting a pattern of yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Then "Mind Bomb" came out in 1989 and a mind bomb it was because it blew my mind. By this point I was a full on atheist and I had nothing but contempt for organized religion as a whole, but I specifically despised Catholicism and still do. It felt like Matt Johnson was reading my mind sometimes. Although the first song released was a damaged love song duet with Sinead O'conner called "Kingdom of Rain", the first song I was drawn to was "Armageddon Days Are Here" with this simple but important lyric in it:

The world is on its elbows and knees
It's forgotten the message and worships the creeds

Mind Bomb starts off with three deep and questioning songs about god, the devil, evil, love, truth, beauty, religion, racism, violence, lust, war and social injustice in general. The remaining five songs include an upbeat little diddy about oppression, and then four of the Matt Johnson style love songs that I truly appreciate because they tend to look at the hard side of love. Love can break you, love involves pain, love can be a mind fuck, and Matt doesn't mince words when he sings about love.

What kind of man was I?
Who would sacrifice your happiness to satisfy his pride?
What kind of man was I?
Who would delay your destiny to appease his tiny mind?
______________________________________________________________________

But we couldn't deny it
Because we could not admit it
If our love was too strong to die
Or we were just too weak to kill it
Was our love too strong to die?
Or were we just to weak to kill it?

______________________________________________________________________

Through the ether & the mists of the mind. 

You will come to me, to lay by me side.
To stroke my hair. To cuddle my flesh.
And to quell the torrents in my subterranean depths.

This world ain't strong enough to keep us from each other.
For, we are kindred spirits. Born to become earthly lovers.

______________________________________________________________________

Take me beyond love
Up to something above
Upon this bed
Between these sheets
Take me to a happiness
Beyond human reach

______________________________________________________________________

The force of life
Is rushing though our veins
In and out like the tide
It comes in waves
The drops of semen
And the clots of blood
Which may, one day
Become like us
With outstretched hands
Reaching beyond love
And up to something above

______________________________________________________________________

In 1991 They released a four song EP called "Shades of Blue" with one of my all time fave "the The" songs "Jealous of Youth." This doesn't deserve the level of attention I'm giving to their full albums and they've released other EPs, but this one is important because of "Jealous of Youth".


In 1993 they released "Dusk." Probably their most commercially successful album, they toured this album by opening up for Depeche Mode at the height of Depeche Mode's success. I lived in Seattle at the time and saw that concert in the largest stadium I've ever seen them in. Typically I saw them in places like the Orpheum or the club AXIS. Dusk delivered fewer of Matt's dark observations about the world we live in and offers more of the songs of love he specializes in. These songs tend to see the darker side of love but definitely have moments of hope, as can be heard in "Love is Stronger Than Death."

But, awoken by grief, our spirits speak
"How could you believe that the life within the seed
that grew arms that reached
And a heart that beat.
And lips that smiled
And eyes that cried.
Could ever die?"

Here come the blue skies Here comes springtime.
When the rivers run high & the tears run dry.
When everything that dies.
Shall rise.

LoveLoveLove is stronger than death.
LoveLoveLove is stronger than death.

The whole album is great but my favorites are the aforementioned "Love is Stronger Than Death", "True Happiness This Way Lies" and "Lonely Planet"

A couple of years later they released a cover album of Hank Williams songs called "Hanky Panky." It's a special gift if you ask me but I won't linger on it because it's a covers album. You should absolutely give it a listen.

Then seven years after "Dusk", "the The" released their final album (to date), "Naked Self", which was a hit and miss collection of moody and somewhat droney observations on life, which is pretty much what all of his stuff is, except this one had so few gems compared to the earlier stuff. Don't get me wrong, I love this album, but I can see that it wasn't the genius of "Mind Bomb" or "Infected" and it certainly wasn't the commercial success of "Dusk".

It's been eighteen years since "the The" have toured in the states. Yesterday tickets went on sale at noon. I watched my screen for the two minute countdown and picked out four seats in a relatively decent location. I pressed the button to purchase and got a message that those seats had already been purchased. My screen refreshed and there were about 100 seats left. That whole action took less than a minute, how could there only be 100 tickets left. I tried two more times and failed both times. Finally I picked four seats in four different rows, but each directly behind the other and all four at the aisle. Success. I was nervous for a bit there that I wasn't going to see "the The" this time around. But I'll be there on September 14th at the Orpheum Theater, and I'll drag Meg, Charly & Annie with me.

To Jump or Stay... Enter the Closer.

The other day I mentioned on Facebook that I had turned down a job and that wasn't exactly true... I had never officially been offered the job but all the pieces were lining up when I had decided to pull myself out of the running. But lets back up a bit so I can bring us up to the point that I made the decision and then I'll bring us forward to this morning.

I'm not officially looking for work right now, I'm just constantly aware of opportunities through online search agents that send me notifications on a daily basis of jobs out there that align with my specific skill set. Not to mention a constant barrage of phone calls and email from job shops looking to fill positions with warm bodies, whether they fit the position or not.

It's unusual for jobs in my specific industry to show up on the north shore of Boston, but recently a daily search agent email had a job listed a few miles up the road from my current job and it mentioned many of the right keywords... AutoCAD, Revit, 3D, Navisworks... these are the tools of a coordinator. Curious, I inquired with the agency advertising the position. As we spoke about the position I immediately became aware of what company it was and knew that it wasn't exactly what I did. The agent asked if I would consider the position anyway and I said why not.

A week later I was sitting down with the Engineering Manager for a one hour interview that turned into two and a half hours. I knew walking out that door that he was going to offer me that job. If it wasn't through an agency he would already have made the offer.

At home that weekend I replayed the interview in my head and a little nugget jumped to the front of my brain... "the hours are Monday through Friday, 7:30 to 5:00."  The Monday through Friday part was fine, but what did he mean by 7:30 to 5:00? Were those the hours within which you could do your 8 hour day, or was he saying that literally you were expected to show up at 7:30 and work until 5:00? That's a nine and a half hour work day minus the half hour for lunch and it was a nine hour day, a 45 hour week.

I haven't worked less than 45 hours a week in the past two plus months, but that's because I have too much work on my plate to do less and since my bosses refuse to bring in help, even in the form of an every other week high school co-op student from the local vocational high school I'm stuck doing 45 to 50 hours until we get through this heavy work load patch. Also, if I come in at four or five in the morning I can leave anytime after I put in my 8 hours.

Back on the phone with the agent who sent me to the interview we began discussing salary. Although we discussed this prior to the interview, the agency now felt that because this company picks up the cost of the benefit package, that I should probably drop my salary a bit. That was a little unsettling to me, even though I knew that because they pick up that cost I would literally see an extra 10 to 12 thousand in my hands. I guess I felt like "why should I be punished, to only take home the same money I did last year, because this company decided to pick up the cost of the benefits package for everyone?" Basically that would make the very fact that they do that, no longer a benefit... either way I gave up the 10 to 12 thousand for the benefit. This topic made the hours of the work week fall away from my mind and I needed to think about what I was being asked to do.

I went home that night and reached out to two people with whom I believed I could get some decent feedback and they both helped significantly. I decided that meeting them halfway would be reasonable. I'd drop 5-6K  and hope they'd see that as fair. That settled, I drifted off to sleep... (sound of screeching brakes). Except when I'm asleep the worries of my world find a way to wake me up and now that 45 hour week thing was looming. I needed to know how to read that.

First thing in the morning I sent an email to the agent asking her to clarify the hours I was expected to be there. They knew I often come in early and sometimes leave work early... well after my 8 hours are in, but earlier in the day. They asked the company about the hours and we spoke later that day. As I had suspected you were expected to show up at 7:30 and work until 5:00. Also, you could come in earlier than 7:30, but you were still expected to work until 5:00.

I don't want to seem like a primadonna, but especially after this past decade of long work hours while dealing with health issues and eventually dialysis, after the transplant I made a decision for myself that I was going to do more for me. I have no problem working a 40 hour a week job. I have no problem with working extra hours to meet deadlines and stay on top of the workload as required. But those things should be the exception, not the rule.

It was pretty much at this point I knew I would pull myself out of the running. but the conversation continued and I was reminded that my first 3 to 6 months would be with the agency, and so they started to discuss their salary and benefits. They were officially only offering me a rate that was 86 cents less per hour than my current salary works out to be if you divide the annual by 52 weeks of 40 hours. Then they topped that off with a reminder that after 90 days you could join their health plan. So... i'll make about a thousand dollars less over the six months I work for you than I would just to stay where I am ANNNNNDDDDDDD... you need me to pay for my own health insurance for the first 90 days, which will cost twice as much as I pay now because  my company picks up half the cost. Then I'll transition to the company's payroll, where I'll spend another three months without insurance so I'll be picking up the bill there too... but you've asked me to drop my salary by 5 to 6K so the company will hire me in the first place. So where's the money coming from that's going to pay for my insurance?

OK... I'm out!

I wrote a very kind and apologetic email bowing out, and thanked them for all of their hard work in trying to make this happen. I was honest about my need for 40 hours as opposed to 45. I had also written them a prior email explaining why I had been struggling with some of this relative to my history. They emailed back to make sure that was really what I wanted. I told them yes, and that was it. I then made mention of it on Facebook and though I felt a little unsettled about pulling out, I ultimately felt that it was the right decision. But the job seemed like it would have been great and it seems like a really good company.

Last night my phone rang. I let it go to message. I listened afterwards and it was a new agent from the same company, apparently a "closer"... someone who makes things happen. It sounded like he wanted me to let him take my concerns to the company to see if they would accommodate me. I'm not sure if they just really want me in there to line their own pockets or if the Engineering Manager of the company really wants to see if he can get me to reconsider. Either way... I now have to decide if this is something I want to do again... the thing is.. I don't want to be the guy at the company that has his own set of rules... everybody hates that guy. So of course I have to say no. But then why am I  even considering it at all?