A short ride on the misery train... finding balance between struggle and happiness

On August 15th 2008 my life turned upside down. Well... if I'm being honest my life has been a series of bad decisions and events that continuously turned my life upside down. Its my modus operandi really, and in some ways it's how I thrived, or maybe thrive. Like fuel for a furnace I need a little bit of struggle to power the engine of my existence. If I were ever happy without struggle I'd be miserable and I'm not ashamed to own that.

I digress. On that fateful day I started a new job that launched the last decade of my career and it also marked the beginning of nine years of health issues that led to four and a half years on dialysis and ultimately a kidney transplant in October of 2017.

Throughout that time I was a slave to my health issues and the myriad jobs that I held especially because it was important to have health coverage even if I hated the company I worked for. Not that I always hated those companies, but there were times, let me tell you. Lets just say it certainly hasn't always been easy to do something I enjoy for companies run by people, and that employed people who loathe the president that I love and like the president that I despise. In some way it makes perfect sense too because these same people hate what I do and why what I do is even being done. It used to be different but its not anymore and they don't like the change, but they need a guy like me to do what I do and its with these companies that I can make the best salary. So we put up with each other for different reasons... or maybe not so different reasons. They need a guy like me to win the jobs that pay big money and I need them to pay me what I need to survive in modern times. I suppose that makes me a sellout, but remember, I did it to support my family through hard times and to maintain the health care that I needed to stay alive. Literally. But it also fed my need for struggle to keep my furnace burning... happiness without struggle is misery. And in the end I DO like what I do for a living.

During the years I was on dialysis I looked forward to my post transplant life. When I could start to do things that I couldn't do because my health prevented it. But in the four months that have passed since the transplant I've felt my life slipping into old habits. Letting go of the things that are important to me for the sake of others or the company. Its all slowly spiraling out of control and I won't be able to unbake the cake.

There are things about my current job that are perfect like the commute and the fact that no one ever stands over me and watches what I'm doing. I'm trusted to get my work done and I usually do.

But I work for a couple of gorillas. I like to think of them as cranky Laurel & Hardy or Fat Man & Little Boy.

One of them is about my own size and weight and he's always grumpy or angry. The other is probably 75 lbs heavier than me with a barrel chest. He's a lot more jovial until he becomes angry, then he explodes in a way that makes his grumpy brother seem pleasant.

The gorillas have been getting under my skin recently and I've got to figure that out. I'm just not sure that we have compatible solutions as to how to fix this.

Since returning to work following my transplant and short lived recovery period (I'm actually still officially in recovery) they've been stacking more and more work on my plate and expecting me to figure out how to get it all done in a timely fashion. Meanwhile they have little tasks they throw at me as well... one to three hour jobs that they just need me to get done quickly so we can get paid.

Oddly, two or three of my current jobs are asking for me to do on site weekly meetings. The industry standard for the last decade has been for 95% of the meetings to be online meetings with a few on site meetings here and there when required. To get to three meetings, sit through three meetings and return to work from three meetings consumes a minimum of 9 hours of my week. I'm expected to still get 40 hours of CAD time done against the jobs despite having lost nine hours supporting these jobs in other ways.

Typically a CAD Coordinator can handle two jobs without flinching, three jobs with a hint of struggle and an occasionally missed deadline, but four or more simultaneous jobs and the work starts to become noticeably beneath the standards expected and deadlines are constantly being missed.

There's a rule in our industry, especially in my job, where you can't ever give the excuse "well, it's not like your job is the only job I'm working on." Even though everyone knows its true, you're supposed to always make it seem like that job is the only thing that matters and there's nothing more important to you right now. Which again.. between two to three jobs is generally manageable. But when it's four or five jobs and other tasks are being thrown at you as well... its a near impossibility.

Even as I, for all intents and purposes, finished up one of those jobs this week, I was made aware that a new job has landed on our plate as of this coming Monday and it will be the most important job and needs to be done immediately. So just as I saw the potential to get it all under control they've thrown a wrench at my monkey (thrown a monkey wrench into the works... but you got that, right?)




I'm faltering. I'm flailing. I'm putting in far too many hours and I'm exhausted come the weekend and all I want to do is rest and watch TV. I'm worried that between my post transplant medically impaired immune system and the long hours I'm going to end up sick or worse, losing my kidney and ending up back on dialysis, possibly permanently. But I can't just stop. I have to figure out how to get it all done in some kind of balanced way.

I'm stressed at work, which stresses me out at home and that's unfair to my family, especially Annie who has her own struggles as she is becoming a young adult, a young woman, and that's got to be a hard enough struggle for her to navigate.

Its fine that she is annoyed by her boobs and worries that people might notice them, but she doesn't need to be worried about my health at one end of the spectrum nor should she be walking on eggshells around me in fear that I might explode at her if she messes up. And I'm almost certain that I have in recent months.

I'm living it and I'm watching myself live it, but I can't seem to escape it. I've jumped onto the misery train and I don't know how long it can continue down this track before it all explodes in a fiery mess. I don't know how to switch tracks to get on the path to a comfortable struggle. At this point I could probably drive my own train, but I need affordable health care for the rest of my life and that doesn't seem to meld with self employment. I could look for new work, but 90% of the jobs out there mean driving into Boston or Cambridge daily, which comes with an entirely different stress. And if I'm being honest, there's a part of me that wants to beat the struggle and find a little happiness, without the misery.